It can be challenging for early childhood education teachers to describe their ‘average’ day. In a field with so many unpredictable variables, a typical workday is anything but average.
Teaching little ones has its highs and lows, depending on the disposition of the students in the classroom. Sometimes even one child can change the entire class atmosphere. But dealing with a difficult child is as subjectively complicated as the child and teacher involved. If you ask an early childhood expert, they will tell you behaviors can be difficult, but it's important not to label the children in our care as a "problem child" or even a "difficult child."
Instead, work with them where they are. There's a ton going on in those young brains in the first five years of life! For more on that, check out Understanding Child Development: How The Earliest Years Change Our Lives.
When difficult behaviors pop up, what can you do? How can you help children process? We enlisted education experts to share some tips.
In the moment of a tantrum or big feelings
When kids show us their biggest emotions, they are often past the point of being able to absorb new information. Telling a screaming child to calm down often doesn't work. Sometimes, that's because they don't know how to regulate their emotions yet. They just don't know how to calm down.
"Sometimes a lack of reaction will actually solve the problem."
Remember that there is probably a reason for the child's behavior in these moments, and while the reason might not make sense to you, it's important to them. It might not seem effective right away, but consistently modeling calm, curious behavior in the midst of stress will help children follow your lead eventually.
A good approach will vary depending on the situation. But here are some important things to keep in mind.
1. Keep your cool
“Sometimes a lack of reaction will actually solve the problem, as you are not giving attention to a negative situation,” says educationalist and personality theory researcher, Dr. Naoisé O’Reilly. Her work has taught her that taking a moment to observe the deeper issue at work is an important step in interacting with children who are lashing out.
2. Get on their level
“You cannot achieve anything by towering over them. Remember how small they are,” O’Reilly says. She suggests bending down and putting yourself on the same physical plane as the child. You should also keep eye contact with the child, even if he or she looks away. Don't insist that they look at you, which can introduce new challenges to the moment.
“Allow them the choice to trust you,” she explains.
3. Watch your body language
It’s difficult to focus on your body language in the midst of a major tantrum, but non-verbal communication is very important—even with children! And as hard as it might be for us, as adults, to regulate our body language after years of practice, it's much harder for kids, who are learning all these skills at once.
“Model kind language and strategies for children to learn,” says Monica Wiedel-Lubinski founding director of The Nature Preschool. If they see you take a deep breath and lower your volume, they can copy you.
If your posture is threatening, it will drown out your words. O’Reilly says that even something as subconscious as folding your arms will communicate confrontation in a moment where you’re attempting to appear non-confrontational.
“Ultimately, this child is testing you to see if they can trust you,” O’Reilly says. “They may be going about it in a very complicated and destructive way, but that is what they are truly doing.” Keep your body language open as an indicator of your attitude towards the child; that you are open to their trust.
4. Offer prompts to calm their bodies
“Ask them to close their eyes for five seconds and take three deep breaths,” O’Reilly recommends. This will help them anchor themselves. Again, don't force this. Don't turn your support into a power struggle, instead suggest a few ways they might release some of their physical tension.
Have them imagine breathing from the very bottom of their stomach, or help them gradually clench and unclench their fists or slowly shrug their shoulders up and down. If a child is finding it difficult to follow you, show them the actions so that they can mimic them.
5. Listen closely
Sometimes any attempt to calm a child or connect will fail until that child feels heard and understood.
“Try to get them to tell you what is wrong. Listen carefully,” O’Reilly says. She believes this is the most important part of conflict resolution between a teacher and a student. Children tend to ramble when they are upset, but you can often decipher the real source of their discomfort if you pay close attention. Give them time to get it all out. When they are experiencing so many intense emotions, they might have a hard time zeroing in on what really hurt or upset them. But your relationship with them can offer so many clues.
For children who have trouble verbalizing their thoughts, O’Reilly suggests asking them to draw the scene for you. This might seem like extra work after the crisis point has passed, but it’s extremely important that you understand the bigger picture of what is bothering a child—especially if that child repeatedly exhibits difficult behavior.
Tips for the bigger picture
The best moment for a child to learn emotional regulation is usually not in the middle of a meltdown. Following up after a tough moment (whether you are a teacher or a loved one) is where the real learning takes place.
6. Play detective
It’s important to be cognizant of the surroundings when problems regularly occur. Does the child start to act obstinately every day when their outdoor time is ending? Does the child tend to fight with other children right before snack time?
O’Reilly suggests paying attention to who is around when the problem starts. What time of day is it? What appeared to spark the issue? Children aren’t always able to verbalize – let alone understand – the feelings they have, so you may have to investigate to get to the root of the problem.
The need to be liked, the need to adapt to surroundings, the need for purpose, the need to be challenged, rested, well-fed and so many others all make for a confusing mix of emotions children are working through. Identifying the right triggers and underlying issues can help you avoid the incidents altogether.
Maybe a child who acts out during transitions (when it's time to leave the house or switch activities) is overwhelmed by the number of tasks they are supposed to complete. Maybe a child is getting too hungry or too tired for the activity they normally do before lunchtime. Get curious about what could be frustrating them.
7. Play cartographer
Once you identify the factors that may be triggering misbehavior, map things out on paper. Michelle Holmes, a pre-kindergarten teacher at Faith Lutheran School, makes an anecdotal grid to keep track of incidents with her students. She keeps a log with squares labeled for each child and records everything that occurs.
“This helps me see the big picture—what is setting off the child,” Holmes explains. She cites this grid as one of her most valuable classroom management tools, claiming it’s helped her track down patterns and address root issues.
After pinpointing the root of the problem, it’s time to address it. If the problem is hunger, offer a small snack. If the problem is certain group arrangements, reorganize them.
8. Give them ownership
"The irony is that the more control you try to keep, the less you will have."
Let the students lead every chance they can, suggests Wiedel-Lubinski. She says child-led experiences are the cornerstone of successful programs. She suggests giving ample time for children to select their own activities and peers without being constantly re-directed by teachers.
“The irony is that the more control you try to keep, the less you will have,” Wiedel-Lubinski says. Children have the same emotional responses to micro-management that we have as adults. It's very frustrating to have someone dictate every minute of your day. Some of that can't be helped with little ones, but adults can offer them as much choice as possible. And when there isn't a choice, keeping kinds informed about what will happen in their routine can help them feel a sense of ownership.
“Most personalities react badly to control, but everyone reacts well to respect.”
9. Do some research
Many of us instinctively treat children the way adults treated us in childhood. This is especially true under duress. But we know SO much more about child brain development now than we did thirty or forty years ago. Many of the norms around punishment, and how we talk to children or interpret their behaviors are decades out of date. For example, many adults still feel that angry, demanding language is necessary to teach children discipline.
Wiedel-Lubinski says adding extra warmth and welcome to your words and facial expressions with the child is a much better way to teach them to manage their emotions. “Never use harsh or degrading language," she says. Your words and tone in these moments will likely be what they copy.
Early childhood educators can earn entire degrees in child development, and there is always more to learn.
10. Use some incentive
Incentive is a great preventative measure to take against future outbreaks, according to Dr. Emily Levy, founder and director of EBL Coaching. She implemented a reward program called “Bunny Money.” When children engage in pre-established positive behavior, they earn a Bunny Money dollar that they can spend on prizes at the end of the week. “Kids love this program and their behavior tends to improve remarkably,” Levy says.
Humans, in general, are very incentive-driven. We love to be rewarded for our efforts, and that's not a bad thing! Kiddos also get to feel a little more control and empowerment when they are working towards a goal that excites them.
When you understand what they are experiencing, the power struggle goes away
Dealing with a difficult child is really more like "working with difficult behaviors in a wonderful child." Because children are wonderful. The more you learn about how children develop and grow, the more you will be in awe of everything their little brains are doing. Tantrums, obstinacy, lashing out, all these behaviors are methods of communication for children. It's up to us, as the adults who care for them, to listen when they are telling us something is wrong.
If you want to do that, check out Understanding Child Development: How The Earliest Years Change Our Lives and get a wide-angle view of what is happening in their heads at different stages of development.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was originally published in April, 2015. It has since been updated to include information relevant to 2026. Quotes remain from the original.
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